The Emotional Kaleidoscope That Keeps Lanka Awake..Post 4/21 Easter Attacks

I lay awake, like many others in my country scanning the timelines of social media platforms, and watching (in disgust) what many worthless half-witts have to say for themselves; each trying to make their way “out” of accepting responsibility and actively adding to the damage.

I lay awake, holding the soft warm little hands of my two daughters (both toddlers) who have fallen asleep peacefully on either side of me… Too young to understand what’s going on: Too young to mourn the loss of their class mates from nursery.

I lay awake, feeling guilty for being spared the unfathomable pain other mothers living a few lanes away from me might be feeling as they hold their little one’s hands, just like I do now, only to receive the cold response of death when those cute little fingers don’t curl around her fingers in loving response… A feeling that can undoubtedly rip a mother’s entire being into a zillion pieces, a zillion times…
(I’m most sure this very sentiment is shared by fathers alike)

I lay awake, terrified for my duaghters’ tomorrow. As they fill each day with their overwhleming charms and many actions of unconditional love towards me and my husband, we used to look at each other as proud parents and smile… but now our faces are lined with a deep set worry as we look at each other knowing that each of those beautiful memories the girls create will make it increasingly difficult for us to bear a loss. And to think this is exactly what the mothers of all those pretty children smiling at us through white funeral banners are going through, is more than words can describe…

I lay awake, unable to rest my mind as it is overwhlemed by a kaleidoscopic battle of emotions… I am a Sri Lankan who loves this country, A mother who loves my children, A Catholic who has witnessed the goodness of God many times in my life… And here I stand failed by my country’s leaders, Torn and extremely vulnerable because of motherhood, and shattered by what befell us as Catholics…

I lay awake, as my mind frantically searches for answers and solutions for three problems; 1. The future of my children, 2. The future of my country and 3. The future of my religion…

I lay awake, as the faces of the young army and police offices stationed at the top of my road appear in my mind. Are they at risk? Are they hungry? Then the images in my mind switch to that one image of those three offices who lost their lives in Dematagoda.

I lay awake, as my blood boils with anger against the opportunist journalism that paints our already victimized country in black, while we are here trying to do our best to help irradicate a common enemy as peacefully as we can.

I lay awake, feeling hopeless and utterly disgusted about how our leaders are handling this situation and the fact that they cannot be sent home (immediately) for this ludicrous performance. Their lack of crisis management skills or even minimal PR skills is fueling our anger as they continue to jab our wounds and discredit all the good work of the people of this country; while the country is still in deep mourning…

I lay awake, grieving the misfortune of my country not only to loose 300+ innocent lives but to also have to tolerate this pathetic leadership. I find myself hoping that the president, the pm, the defense secretary, and the bags of potatoes in parliament will find some integrity within themselves to accept that they need to resign. Infact for the sake of the future of my daughters I want to make this a formal plea.
***Mr. Sirisena & Mr. Wickramasinghe, I don’t want you to be in charge of my childrens’ lives for one more second. We as a country don’t want you two to be in a position to do any more damage to our country. So, it is time you gathered your belongings and any intergrity you may have left and RESPECTFULLY RESIGN! Give us a chance to appoint someone new, someone who can really represent the intelligence, bravery and integrity of the people of this country.***
And I invite all respectable local journalists to speak for our country. If we allow what is happening to continue to happen we might as well just quit our jobs too.

I lay awake, because sleep is a luxury I cannot afford…